Wanting and Needed

I want to eat. I want to eat. I can't eat. I shouldn't eat. Eating is bad. Food has calories. Food is bad. Weight is a big deal. If you don't eat you'll lose weight. You'll become thin. No eating. The feeling will go away. It's going away now. You're fine. You do not need food right now. You. Will. Become. Thin. This. Way.

Pulling away, but trying to stay

Why am i this way? I finally have someone in my life that likes me and finds me cute and all of those  things, and at first I really liked him, but now I'm getting more and more annoyed with him, But I still want to talk to him and see him. What the Hell? He is nice and sweet to me but he is also very immature which I actually hate. I've told him that I might not want to talk to him in the future because I can become very moody. I like being alone. That's all. I don't think that is too much to ask of anyone, but no one ever understands that I need to be alone. I dont want to hang out with people. I am my own best friend, and I'm okay with this for the most part, but now this guy wants more than I can give him, and I feel my self trying to pull away but I want this. This relationship is good for me. I have to keep it. I have to keep liking him, because I must become normal.

I'm obsessed with my body.

I dont understand why but I am obsessed with my body like that is all I can think about now a days. I know that I am not fat but I want to be thin and perfect and beautiful and I'm none of the above. I actually do know some part of why I can't stop thinking about this is because the media tells us that you're not beautiful if you're not thin, which sucks because I am a 155 pounds with a bust of 41", waist of 29/30", and a hip of 39/40". This isn't large at all its about average, but i still want to get a smaller waist I want a waist that is like 25" or smaller, like what the hell. I could never get that like ever and no one that I've ever heard of has had a 41' bust and a 25' waist, that just doesn't happen ever. I try and eat healthfully but I can never seem to stay on a that plan for too long. I end up eating all of this crap like ice cream or some shit. I hate this because as a teenager all I want is for boys to notice me thats it, and they barely notice me and when I try to wear something comfy no one gives me a second look and I hate it so much. I want to be notice and I want to be liked and I want to be thin like the other girls. Why can't I be like the other girls?

Hunger

Do you know the feeling you get when you are really hungry, like when you haven't had anything since 12 and now its 8? and you know that you're not going to get food for another hour or so? Well image that feeling but it's about someone. You can be around them, and they seem to be sweet on you, but they're dating someone and they would never cheat on them, or you don't think they would. This person is one of your closest friends but you have always wanted more with them. You want to be around them and always be talking to them. You think about almost 24/7, but once the thought leaves your mind it doesn't come back until you see them again. It just really sucks to have such a connection with someone and you can't be with them because they are dating someone else.

Stressing Out and Under Pressure

For the past few years I've had to deal with terrible people at my school, kids who are spoiled to the core or they're so unhappy with their boring life they take it out on everyone in sight. Then there is me, loner, loser, whatever you may call me but I don't fit into either group or any other at this small day care you call my school. I can't contemplate why I have never fit into this play pen. Maybe I'm just not private school martial, sadly I am at this school for one more year, hopefully. What I mean by that is that I might be able to transfer next year to public school, if I can convince my parents. but I will have to deal with these snobs and goths for roughly 170 more days than I may be able to never speak to these arrogant and ignorant people again. The day I have dreamt of might be coming shortly. It would be my first time a public school, crazy right? I am terrified just thinking about trust me. I have no idea what will happen, I have always thought that I would fit into public school better and I hope to God I do. But from what I have heard public schools are crazy with all the people there. I mean all the stories you hear about them and I just want this to go well, I mean I know that when I go to the school everyone is not going to bow to my feet but maybe I could make a few friends again because I do miss that extremely.