leaving and stopping

I am surrounded by drama, and I've tried hard never to start it but I am surrounded by it. I've never thought it was me, but recently I think I've been the cause of most of the drama in my life. I don't know why but I feel that I might be starting it, but its never my drama, and I don't really think that I start it but I have a very drama filled life. Especially with my friends that I have, they are all very drama filled and none of them really see that they are. I don't want to be friends with any of them, but as long as I am at my school there is nothing I can do. I have 3 months to deal with them, then I don't have to deal with any of them. I can't wait for June 6.

Shaming Sluts

I always lie about my sex life because people judge you no matter what and I would rather call me a slut then a prude, but my sex life is that I have none. I am a virgin and I need to really keep this in mind because I've given this "face" that I am a slut. I mean I've hooked up with many guys before, but never have I slept with someone. Most of my friends think that I've slept with like 4-8 people, but I never knew anyone really cared. Today I found out that my friend, Kyle, thinks I'm a huge slut, and I wouldn't care but apparently he actually makes fun of me for "sleeping around' and this doesn't really bother me because I know I'm not a slut, but coming from he it's just annoying. I also learned that he talks about me to others. My other friend, Rachael, told me this she is kind of a huge lier so I don't know if it is true or not, which makes it even more difficult because I can't ask Kyle anything because he would just deny everything.

No, I don't want to date you

I just don't understand how someone could be to annoying. I don't want to date you. I do not like you, you are a friend, and yet you still think this. I can understand how this is going on. My best friend, Kyle, is such a little prick sometimes. Everyone thinks I like him and I mean I understand that they would think that because I am very touchy feely with him, but I am this way with most boys that I am close with, and he also starts it with me and also continues it as well. People need to just let me be happy, I am happy with just being friends with him and that's all that I want. I don't want to date him nor do I like him, but everyone I know thinks that I do. I'm just scared that he will stop being my friend, or he'll stop wanting to hang out so much which would be terrible because he is one of my best friends and I enjoy being with him.

Wanting and Needed

I want to eat. I want to eat. I can't eat. I shouldn't eat. Eating is bad. Food has calories. Food is bad. Weight is a big deal. If you don't eat you'll lose weight. You'll become thin. No eating. The feeling will go away. It's going away now. You're fine. You do not need food right now. You. Will. Become. Thin. This. Way.

Pulling away, but trying to stay

Why am i this way? I finally have someone in my life that likes me and finds me cute and all of those  things, and at first I really liked him, but now I'm getting more and more annoyed with him, But I still want to talk to him and see him. What the Hell? He is nice and sweet to me but he is also very immature which I actually hate. I've told him that I might not want to talk to him in the future because I can become very moody. I like being alone. That's all. I don't think that is too much to ask of anyone, but no one ever understands that I need to be alone. I dont want to hang out with people. I am my own best friend, and I'm okay with this for the most part, but now this guy wants more than I can give him, and I feel my self trying to pull away but I want this. This relationship is good for me. I have to keep it. I have to keep liking him, because I must become normal.

I'm obsessed with my body.

I dont understand why but I am obsessed with my body like that is all I can think about now a days. I know that I am not fat but I want to be thin and perfect and beautiful and I'm none of the above. I actually do know some part of why I can't stop thinking about this is because the media tells us that you're not beautiful if you're not thin, which sucks because I am a 155 pounds with a bust of 41", waist of 29/30", and a hip of 39/40". This isn't large at all its about average, but i still want to get a smaller waist I want a waist that is like 25" or smaller, like what the hell. I could never get that like ever and no one that I've ever heard of has had a 41' bust and a 25' waist, that just doesn't happen ever. I try and eat healthfully but I can never seem to stay on a that plan for too long. I end up eating all of this crap like ice cream or some shit. I hate this because as a teenager all I want is for boys to notice me thats it, and they barely notice me and when I try to wear something comfy no one gives me a second look and I hate it so much. I want to be notice and I want to be liked and I want to be thin like the other girls. Why can't I be like the other girls?

Hunger

Do you know the feeling you get when you are really hungry, like when you haven't had anything since 12 and now its 8? and you know that you're not going to get food for another hour or so? Well image that feeling but it's about someone. You can be around them, and they seem to be sweet on you, but they're dating someone and they would never cheat on them, or you don't think they would. This person is one of your closest friends but you have always wanted more with them. You want to be around them and always be talking to them. You think about almost 24/7, but once the thought leaves your mind it doesn't come back until you see them again. It just really sucks to have such a connection with someone and you can't be with them because they are dating someone else.